My baby is officially 6 months old.. yes, I’m a bit late in writing this blog. In fact where the f**k have I been right!? I don’t know about anyone else, but I’d say that from 4 months onward, shit hits the fan!!
Sleep – what even is that?
As I’ve explained in previous blogs, the sleep regression hit us hard from 4 months. It’s only been in the past few weeks or so that I’d say we’ve actually started to improve on this. It reached a point where I was so sleep deprived, that I was turning into some sort of wild animal. I was ready to go at anyone for anything, unfortunately that anyone was my poor husband. I even physically looked like a wild animal. I don’t think a brush had touched my hair in weeks, if not months! Having a shower (whenever that rare occasion actually comes around) felt like I’d actually stepped foot into the gates of heaven, liquid gold just running down my body. In those short moments in time, I felt relatively human again.
Long story short, Fletcher was waking a lot more often than usual. Sometimes nothing would settle him and I’d be frantically rocking him back to sleep, pacing the bedroom floor, whilst evil-eye staring at my husband, sleeping so cosy and warm in bed. Still to this day he is fighting his naps, and he will scream himself to sleep sometimes (In my arms of course because I don’t believe in that cry it out crap).
I felt I was at breaking point when I was literally having to hold him at all naps, hold him throughout the sleep or he’d wake up crying, hold him when he woke in the night. Call me a kangaroo because this baby would have happily sat in a pouch attached to me 24/7. So I invested in an app which monitors his sleep and sleep consultants analyse it and give us tailored help to get Fletcher sleeping happy. It’s called Huckleberry. I won’t go into the details now, I will create a separate blog explaining my experience with this app.
Overall, Fletcher was a little shit and because of this, I haven’t wanted to face the world much. My anxiety has been front and centre throughout and it’s all been fun and games really!
On a more positive note, my little man has been growing up and getting his own little personality. He’s curious and nosey, and would much prefer to watch the world go by than go to sleep. He’s rolling all around the living room…literally, he never stays in one spot anymore. Absolutely anything and everything he can get his hands on, he will put in his mouth including people’s noses. He doesn’t like people he doesn’t see often and if they hold him he will cry. He’s a bit of a wuss. First time on the swing…cried.
- Hey Duggee
- Daddy being silly
- Watching other kids play
- Food in general
- Playing with his winky…don’t even ask.
- Bath time
- Watching our rabbits
- Being sang to
- Being fed if tired
- If I don’t wake up in the morning when he wants me to
That’s it really…. He’s pretty happy most of the time. He just turns into a monster when he’s tired.
I debated whether or not to add this part in or not because I hate talking about this to anyone other than those close to me. But I’ve been having the worst anxiety I’ve ever felt lately. I am a nightmare for being too anxious to go to mum group and all that baby sensory stuff, and it’s starting to make me feel a bit guilty, making me feel like I’m depriving my son of the fun and interactivity that other children get, all because I’m a nervous wreck about it. Bloody pathetic I know! I hate discussing it because I feel like people think I’m stupid for being anxious about it. But unfortunately, anxiety has the better of me over these types of situations. I hate social interaction with strangers, call me awkward but I just can’t strike up conversation like other people can. Recently, my anxiety has had me feeling a little bit house bound and completely unmotivated to do anything. I’ve been purposely cuddling Fletcher to sleep on the sofa rather than putting him up in his cot where I know I will have no choice but to get chores done. I’ve been cuddling him as to not feel so alone. Loneliness has well and truly hit me hard lately. I genuinely look forward to Scott coming home from work and to seeing my mum at the end of the week, because they are pretty much the only two human beings I interact with! I don’t want sympathy so don’t give me all that “Aw poor thing” crap, because it’s my own fault for being such an unsociable little hermit.
I can’t change my anxiety but I need to try to find things to do that make me feel less anxious. So recently I’ve been going to the library with Fletcher just to choose a week’s worth of books and to get myself out of the house for a bit. Anxious Annie over here walked in on a rhyming baby group that was taking place at the library once and I just walked straight out in a panic and tried to kill some time in the charity shops before going back after everyone had gone. Absolutely ridiculous, I know! Why didn’t I join in like any normal mother would do? Cus I’m a twat. Like I said, nothing will change me, it’s just what I gotta deal with, just bloody hate it!
Watching my baby grow is both amazing and scary. I don’t want him to be anything other than my little baby forever! I have serious attachment issues too, I hate being apart from him. Even though he is now 6 months, I am in no rush to put him in his own room yet. I have already warned Scott that he might be with us for a little while still, sorry love! He ain’t bothered, sleeps like a log anyway – bastard. We’ve put him into his big cot in our room so that he does at least get used to that. It started a bit difficult but he is now used to it which is great. I wake up and find him in all sorts of positions because it’s so much bigger.
He’s loving his food and will try anything! I attempt to give him finger food for lunch but he’s crap at that. He holds the food in his mouth but keeps opening for more. He will only chew and swallow Ella’s kitchen sticks and those sorts of things. Bread, carrots, broccoli, green beans, nah… He just holds it all at the roof of his mouth and then wonders why he will gag on it all of a sudden. So I’ve given up on that for now. We will work on it.
So I am going to confess that I have, for the last 6 months, been completely reliant on apps to tell me when his next feed/nap is due. I have the worst memory and so when I was breastfeeding I’d always input his feeds into an app to remind me of the time and which side he feed from, so that I could always keep track and know when his next feed was due. Likewise for naps, he has zero schedule so I’d input his naps and it would tell me when the best time to put him down for his next nap would be. It was such a great help and would avoid a lot of tears.
However, just recently I’ve decided to go cold turkey on the technical support. I no longer use my phone to help me parent my child, ha! I now use a clock like most normal people. It’s alright really, I couldn’t have done it breastfeeding, that app was my savior in remembering left or right. With bottle feeding it’s just time that matters. Although, I do wish Fletcher was easier to give milk to. He never drinks more than 3oz per feed in the day and so it’s like I’m giving him little and often rather than a decent sized bottle at set times. This makes trying to have some form of routine almost impossible. The only routine he has is at bedtime thankfully. I think it’s because he used to do this when breastfed, so he’s just not ever changed this even with bottle.
6 months of being a mummy has been some of the most testing moments in my life. I have laughed, cried and been shat on. I have felt absolutely useless, like I have had no idea what I’m doing and I’m doing an awful job. I have over-thought and I have worried. I have felt lost and alone and I have felt more anxious than ever before. I have been so tired I don’t honestly know how I’ve functioned through the day. I’ve lost all self-esteem and often looked at myself and thought… What the f**k do I look like!
Regardless of all of that, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. His smile is infectious and melts my heart. The way he laughs at kisses is adorable. I love when, on a rare occasion, he just randomly snuggles in to sleep on me. Even if it’s frustrating, the way he babbles in his cot in the mornings to wake us up is hilarious. Those morning snuggles in bed as a family are the best, when he’s grabbing our faces and laughing at us. Watching the joy on his face when he watches Hey Duggee or Twirlywoos is so sweet. His bond with his Daddy is the cutest thing, he’s genuinely pleased to see him hen he’s home from work. He’s becoming more and more mischievous and it’s going to drive me insane, but I love him with all my heart!